he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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