Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
