I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
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