went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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