Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
