Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Sorry about my life...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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