Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
