I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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