Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
