Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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