My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
