I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
