She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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