Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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