the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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