My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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