when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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