Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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