as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just pee around me
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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