Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I look better un-naked...
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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