In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
