apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
