Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
