getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
