Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
