Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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