cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
