The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
