i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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