Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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