My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
