i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
