I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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