I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
