Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
