i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
