I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
