there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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