im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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