Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
