Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
