I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
