He kissed a someone with a penis
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
