your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize