officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
