I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
