Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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