I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just want to make out with him forever
They are going to name an STD after you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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