You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
