Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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