I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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